Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
