Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
