oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize