My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
