I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
