why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
how does that bad decision feel?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
