the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
