Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize