I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
