It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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