Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
