ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
