we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Randomize
