I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize