I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
