happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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