I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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