Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I smell like Dick and happiness
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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