Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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