I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
