STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
