he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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