So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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