dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
