We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
