So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
