You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
