So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
