I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
