He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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