I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
