I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's never too late to be topless.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
