god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize