Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize