you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
