I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
