i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
