Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
