new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
