I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
