i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
