Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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