Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
