I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
