omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
