so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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