just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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