After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
3pm strippers are depressing
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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