I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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