Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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