I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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