I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
