my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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