Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Welp...herpes.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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