i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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