i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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