ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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