The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Barsexuality is the new black.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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