Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
