I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
