More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
