Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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