dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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