what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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